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Monday, April 21, 2008

An Open Letter to April 2008

Dear April

Snow? Hail? Freezing temperatures? WTF? It's not funny any more. Seriously. Please cut it out.

I appreciate your attention in this matter.

kthxbai.

Use a blowdryer to get the crispiest roast chicken ever

blowdrying a chicken to get crispy skin
photo.jpg, originally uploaded by RĂ­ona.

ME: Come and take my picture! I'm blowdrying a chicken!
HIM: What?
ME: I'm blowdrying our chicken so it will be really crispy, and I want a picture of it.
HIM: Fine.

(click)

HIM: Are you going to put this on the internet?

The best way to get crispy, golden skin on a roast chicken is to make sure that the surface (and probably the inside) of the bird is completely dry before it goes in the oven.

This chicken I brined with garlic, salt, and bay leaves, then butterflied. I was about to start the tedious process of drying it with paper towels when I realized there was a better way.

And the results are in: Blowdrying your chicken is the way to go. The skin comes out beautifully crispy, all puffy and golden. You don't go through half a roll of disgusting paper towels. And (almost most importantly) blowdrying your chicken is takes about half the time it takes to blot it dry with towels, and does a better job.

However, your beloved will think you are nuts. Your call.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Our home is our castle (contd)

From: Riona
To: Phil, Gordon
Subject: Homeowner stress: It could be worse

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/report_nations_gentrified?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

From: Phil
To: Riona, Gordon

Damn funny!

From: Gordon
To: Riona, Phil

You guys should have joined my pilgrimage to the burbs when you had the chance. Unless, of course, Lord Phillip has planned an archer tower into the new roof top.

From: Phil
To: Riona, Gordon

Actually we already have an archer tower . you guys are so behind the times. ;-)


From: Riona
To: Phil, Gordon
Plus, one of the advantages of a fire escape behind the kitchen is that we can boil oil on the stove and then pour it right out the back door. So convenient!

From: Gordon
To: Riona, Phil

With the bathroom where it is, there's no reason not to expand this concept to boiling fecal matter. To degrade and demoralize adds value to any proper military defense.

From: Phil
To: Riona, Gordon

Probably has a lower boiling point than oil?

From: Gordon
To: Riona, Phil, Aiden

Not an easy question to answer Phil.

Oil consists of carbon chains of varying length and molecular weight. At a given temperature some of those chains vaporize while the rest remain in liquid form. By definition, until the vapor pressure matches the surrounding pressure there can be no boiling, as I’m sure you know. Basically, this is the idea behind fractional distillation.

Feces, on the other hand, is mostly fat and solid waste. Molecularly speaking, it’s all over the map (the crap map?). While petroleum has a defined but wide range of temperature where boiling occurs, the boiling range for fecal matter depends mostly on diet.

Do you and Riona eat a lot of fatty foods, like stuff with butter or olive oil? We could probably narrow the temperature range a bit if we had more information on what you guys eat.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is where my head exploded.

Our home is our castle

In response to the even-more-spectacularly-awesome-than-usual Onion article Nation's Gentrified Neighborhoods Threatened By Aristocratization, Phil drew up this handy reference guide to our building's defenses:


This is what makes him an excellent building president king.